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Is unamused by your bullshit

December 2011

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Dec. 10th, 2011

Bitch please

(no subject)

I heard from a bird that the word on the street is that rumors say that sources suggest that an unidentified and confidential informant reports that some of you think haven't seen enough of my lovely mug lately.

Here. Let me fix that.



--Yours always,
Prof. Dr. Laszlo Jamf


Now say thank you.

You're welcome.

[ooc: Yes, it's the Laz-man~ He is a Jive Ass Mother Fucker.]

Oct. 29th, 2011

I can do srs bzns

(no subject)

Sure, that was a killer diller chiller thriller. I thought the rampant tendinitis that afflicts most zombies would have prevented any intricate synchronized dance moves, but it appears I was mistaken. Likewise, I'm told natural rhythm is unusual in an Igor.

Unless that wasn't dancing. But you know I can't tell with you kids these days.

Whatever happened to my "Transylvania Twist"?

That's enough of that. Time to sweep up. Everyone go home, go to bed, sleep off your blood hangovers, get your skin back on, collect your bones, reshape your jaw to resemble homo sapien and not something vaguely canine, get yourself good and corporeal again--or none of the above, as the case may be. We'll have to get the moon back on cycle again, which is certainly my idea of a really fantastic time. At least the rest was easy.

Everyone knows that once you stop the head monster, all the other monsters will return to normal--well, most of the time. It depends on who you ask.

Here's your grist for the rumor mill: I heard he caught him with a box. A box. A box propped up on a stick. Complete with bait. Live bait. And it worked. Do tell, is it really true? No tricks now.

Hail the conquering hero. Come forth and claim your prize, as so promised.

Yes, of course it's all treat and no trick.

And now the treat will be a real trick for us. Colleagues: meeting again, please. No trick, but one is needed. A neat one.

It'll be a treat to see, though.

[ooc: Captain Space has now been recaptured and turned over alive--or at least undead--to the Deities by one, Tyr McDohl (selected at random from the list of volunteers here)--although rumor has it that he had a little help. The Deities will now be working to clean up the residue of Captain Space's transformative monster powers and as of midnight tonight characters will all be returned to normal. There is no need to destroy the monsters to restore them anymore unless you want to or have a plot; the restoration will happen automatically, and everyone will be back to normal at midnight. Likewise, the preternaturally full moon will return to its normal waxing and waning after tonight. Things should be all right...for now--!!]

Oct. 11th, 2011

Is unamused by your bullshit

(no subject)

Persons, Entities, Beings, and Otherwise Residents of the City (yeah, youse guys):

We are, if you have not noticed, at the beginning stages of an outbreak of disease which could, if not carefully curtailed, become a regular epidemic or a standard pandemic. The disease is characterized by fever, fatigue, cough, runny nose, aches, and a rather remarkable red rash all progressing in severity until death. It's cute, isn't it? And you've got it. And now you're unhappy. No surprise there.

And this, kids, is why you don't try to pop a hole in the walls or the roof and why you don't break on through to the other side. Because when you do, you bring in dirt. And look what that dirt gets you.

It gets you kind of sick and possibly dead.

So there's good news and there's bad news.

Here's the bad news first:

If you're infected, well, I'm afraid you might die. In fact, the odds are very much in favor of that. You have to die sometime, and this is just stacking things in favor of death and entropy and all of that. And, if you're not infected, well, you might very soon find yourself infected. Because it's contagious. And because it is natural for such a thing to want to spread because that's biological function and imperative. So, infection means possible death and non-infection means potential infection which means possible death. And, from all reports, the usual doses of medicine and magic aren't doing much of anything, besides keeping the fever down for a bit. Am I right? So you're doomed either way--but aren't we all?

Here's the good news:

There is a cure.


This is not the first time something from outside has ended up inside. And not the first time that that something has stayed inside.

We have located a natural water source, a spring or a natural well, that has been--I hesitate to use the word because I just know someone will then refuse the cure, obviously, and I can't very will pour it down everyone's throat now can I?--contaminated with a particularly fascinating sort of substance which, according to all our research regarding it, should act as a treatment for this disease.

This is, to our knowledge, the only cure for this disease.

In short:

It rubs the water on its skin or else it gets the pox again.


Or splash it. I don't care. Just don't drown or you're as bad off as ever.

→ A word of warning (of course there's a word of warning; why wouldn't there be a word of warning?): the Nobel Prize nominee who located this particular water source did not record its location with any great amount of accuracy. There are things called "maps" for a reason, but this candidate for a MacArthur Genius Award clearly saw no use for the things. Here's what we know, thanks to this tireless Rhodes Scholar of a researcher's careful notes:

"It's on that mountain, near all that digging and that giant pink thing. And it's in a ravine. It's, like, a spring or something."


Such eloquence in science. Such poetry. Such clarity of sight and meaning.

So there's your cure. In, like, a spring or something.

Side Effects: this treatment has not been studied in depth and side effects of numerous kinds may be associated with this particular treatment. Patients should use caution when considering this treatment.

Although, really, it's this or die. Not much of a choice, but not such a hard choice.

So, find the spring, find a cure. Simple as that. (If only Mr.--Ms.--Mr. Thingummy had thought to try a little GPS song-and-dance we'd be so much better off.)

And once you're all better we can talk about how how tracking in dirt is not appreciated. Because it causes us all contagion and outbreak problems. Indeed it does. And nobody likes that.

Oh, get well soon, City.

[ooc: Following along further with the outbreak! The Deities have isolated the gingerpox infection and have identified a treatment for it. Hooray! There's a well or a spring up in the mountains, near the crashed-and-buried alien space ship (remember that thing?) that seems to have a cure in its waters (the map is here, for reference). Just splash some water on yourself and you're cured almost instantly. However!! There is a very serious side-effect associated with the cure--! What is it? I think the players of the adventuring characters might have an inkling about that...but...we'll let them reveal it. Good luck, everyone!]

Oct. 10th, 2011

Is a snappy dresser

(no subject)

To the staff at large:

Why do I pay you? No, honestly, why do I pay you? If I don't pay you, you're probably an intern. In which case, you're already expendable and I should have expected as much. You don't count. Paid staff: what the blue hell is going on in the labs? No, let me rephrase that: what the blue hell is going on in my labs?

Could somebody with the vague resemblance of a hippocampus try to dig into whatever remains of their collective gray cells after heaven only knows how many nights of beer pong and pop out the proper way to isolate this culture? Isolate. This. Culture. Is it clear yet? Do I need to draw you pictures? Would you like an illustrated guide? I'll write you the Cliff's Notes of the Complete Idiot's Guide and maybe you'll catch on.

Do you people even know what a Petri dish is? Do you understand cell culturing growth media and agar plates and all of that Bio 101 lab bullshit that you just bullshat your way through? Or were you too busy trying to win at beer pong?

I swear I'm going to confiscate all gloves, masks, protective goggles, and lab coats until you get your acts together. Yes, I know what that means and yes, I know what I'm doing. I suppose I have to do everything myself again. There's a reason it's a saying: if you want something done right, you've got to do it yourself.

Try to click them neurons, kids, and get this right. I suffer incompetence as willingly as I suffer fools. We got an outbreak trying to get its act together. I swear, if this cresting pandemic breaks, it's breaking on your heads and I will personally infect each and everyone one of you just to give you a little bit of impetus in trying to figure this out. Better do it now before I get out the syringes.

I'm trying to head it off and you're busy driving the monkey to the airport. Now get with the program and isolate this culture.

And don't fuck it up.

Yours very sincerely,
Prof. Dr. Laszlo Jamf

[ooc: Personal email made public--probably on purpose because it'll be more embarrassing. In truth: he's busy trying to isolate the micro-organism that's causing the--what's the common name again? oh yeah--gingerpox. Oh dear. They're working on this! Stay tuned for more!]

Sep. 23rd, 2011

Semi-supercilious

(no subject)

Colleagues, meeting. Five minutes.

The rest of you--

The rest of you.

[ooc;]Collapse )

Aug. 20th, 2011

Bitch please

(no subject)

[Voice Post]
((It's music! It's this music, in fact. And it plays, happily, to its conclusion. And then, in burst the dulcet and retro Radio Voice tones of Laszlo Jamf, Professor of Rock, Doctor of Jive:))

That one never gets old, does it?

Hey there all you cats and kittens out there in the City! It's a hot one today, but don't worry: summer won't last forever. Or maybe you should worry! Get out there and chase those bronzed beach boys of the summer, because there's only one summer when you're seventeen. So keep it hot while it's hot! You know I know your libidinous Id urges.

But you gotta remember: it's gonna be back to school before you know it. So you'd better take a listen!

((And he proceeds to play this particular record. And for the record (no, the other kind), he's singing along in his office there, yes. It spins out to a stop and he pipes up again.))

I hope you're all taking notes, because there's gonna be a short quiz once school's back in session!

Oh, that came over like a thunderstorm on a summer day, didn't it? Well, one more back-to-school track from this cool cat who knows a thing about banging on the ivories and we'll get back to the party. The Doctor of Jive promises on his many degrees from the School of Cool. All right:

((All of which is followed up with this record. Really, it's true: base 8 is just like base 10...if you're missing two fingers.))

That's some tunes for all you eggheads out there. I saw you out there dancing with that cute lab assistant. You can get it away with it this time, you crazy kids. Just don't dance when you've got a tube of nitro glycerin in your hand and we'll be all right. Everything's gonna be all right.

When those kids sing about "she loves you," yeah, well, she does, and she's any number of people, all over the world, back through time, different colors, sizes, ages, shapes, species, distances from death, but she loves. And the "you" is everybody. And herself. The human voice, you know, is a total miracle.

Now I'm gonna take it back, way back, back to the Doctor of Jive's Old School! Heads up on this one, all you ladles and jellyspoons, because it's gonna be a wild one! Don't worry and hang on and just remember that what goes up must come down. And what shape does it make when it does? Well, the Doctor of Jive knows you're smart enough to figure that one out.

((From there, the Network is treated to this particular recording. It's getting a bit deep at this point, so many cross-references and meta-layers. I'm sure we can all handle it, though. Now, everyone sing together!))

It may be old school, but it never gets old. It's too bad you're probably all too young to get that one. Or you're too old. Either way, you're not just the right age to catch all the jokes in there. But trust me, as someone who gets it, it's hilarious.

Okay, okay, okay, that's enough of that! And we're waiting for a live report from the streets of the City where a new dance craze seems to be making waves. And once KCUF's own "Rabbit" Warren and Wendell "Mucho" Maas get the Mobile 2 tower up and beaming, we'll hear all about it. You just sit tight while we get those wires running. The miracle of radio, invisible airwaves crackle with life, whistle with the energy. Emotional feedback on timeless wavelengths, bearing a gift beyond price, almost free.

Whoa, man, that's enough of my riffing!

Coming up next, here's a new one, the latest and greatest, fresh off the presses, never been spun before, for all the hep cats. Because I'm not a Jive-Ass Mother Fucker for nothing:

((Which all leads into this particular track... And the song continues until its end...))
[//voice post ends]

[ooc: Nah, he's not cursed. He's a deity. So he's just trolling. So much cross-canon Pynchonian insanity that I don't think I can even (which is why I did this). Tom Lehrer, for those who want to know, was a clever little songwriter in the early 1960s, full of puns and snark and wonderment. V. delicious. Please be so kind as to ignore the bad videos and enjoy the good ones ;;]

Jul. 5th, 2011

Pale plastic ubiquity

(no subject)

You still want cause and effect. All right.

Once upon a time, a man was washed overboard from a ship that was taking a course down a river. He was rescued by an undertaker in a rowboat, out in the storm that night to see if he could get struck by lightning. The undertaker was wearing, in hopes it would draw electricity, a complicated metal suit, something like a deep-sea diver's, and an old army helmet, through which he has drilled a couple of hundred holes and inserted nuts, bolts, springs, and conductive wands of many shapes so that he jingled whenever he nodded or shook his head, which was often. He's a digital companion all right, everything gets either a yes or a no, and two-tone checkerboards of odd shape and texture indeed bloom in the rainy night around him and the sailor. Ever since reading about Benjamin Franklin in a children's book, kite, thunder, and key, the undertaker has been obsessed with this business of getting hit in the head by a lightning bolt. All over the world, it came to him one night in a flash (though not the kind he wanted), at this very moment, are hundreds, who knows maybe thousands of people walking around, who had been struck by lightning and survived. What stories they could tell.

What the book neglected to mention was that Benjamin Franklin was also a Mason, and given to cosmic forms of practical jokerism, of which the United States of America may well have been one.

Well, it's a matter of continuity. Most people's lives have ups and downs that are relatively gradual, a sinuous curve with first derivatives at every point. They're the onse who never get struck by lightning. No real idea of cataclysm at all. But the ones who do get hit experience a singular point, a discontinuity in the curve of life--do you know what the time rate of change is at a cusp? Infinity, that's what. And right across the point, it's minus infinity. How's that for a sudden change? Infinite miles per hour changing to the same speed in reverse, all in the neat little triangle of the Delta-Tee across the point. That's getting hit by lightning, folks.

And guess what? There's a storm on the way.

Did I or did I not tell a certain young citizen in question to re-examine his narrative? I believe I did. Cause, effect, cause, effect, cause--ergo--effect. You've got to be ready for every eventuality. It's basic physics, it's Isaac Newton, it's action-to-reaction, reaction-to-equal-and-opposite-action.

Just remember: what unites you is not the sharing of bread but the sharing of enemies.

Do you still want cause and effect? All right.

At noon today, a certain citizen by the name of Captain Hammer infiltrated the Offices of the Deities, bypassing all security checkpoints and refusing to answer to requests to stop and furthermore ignoring all requests to leave the premises immediately. Security was unable to stop this citizen before he proceeded further into the building because they were all on their lunch breaks. He then proceeded to the upper floors, refusing or unable to answer any requests made of him as to his business in this building, whether he had arranged to a meeting, whether he was expected, or whether he had business to conduct with one of those present. Instead, he made himself known clearly and plainly to those present with whom most business is conducted--namely, Ms. Mouse Mr. Bertol, Ms. Lina, Ms. Sabine, and Prof. Dr. Laszlo Jamf--known collectively and popularly as the "Deities of the City." These same persons likewise insisted that he leave their presence immediately--a request which was still and continuously ignored. A brief verbal confrontation followed, with the demands made by this citizen, Captain Hammer, becoming more grandiose and nigh psychotic by the moment. The argument continued but this citizen seemed unwilling or unable to understand the reasonable explanations he was being given by those whom he obviously threatened. The argument reached something of a peak and, immediately thereafter, in an act of what can only be described as momentary insanity, he assaulted Ms. Mouse with a blow to the face. In an obvious act of self-defense, Ms. Mouse likewise struck her assailant a similar blow to prevent further injuries to her person. Shortly thereafter, special security was dispatched to remove the offender from the premises. He was, at last, both quieted and removed from the building. Ms. Mouse is currently seeking attention for her injuries. A full review of current security standings in this particular building to prevent similar and future such situations is now ongoing.

Such an act deserves, it is believed by all involved, a punishment in kind--not only to the one guilty of the act but to all of those others who would stand by and support one so determined to carry out such an act to be enacted immediately.

Cause → Effect

Ladies and gentlemen, clench your teeth.

[ooc: As per this with OOC information on this plot here. Unfortunately, Citizens, because one of your own decided to take a swing at a Deity, it seems that everyone will have to be made to suffer. It's an old custom: one strikes against the Deities, and the City as a whole pays the price. And the punishment arranged for in this plot will be...punching. Yup. For 24 hours, those affected by the (fully optional) results of this plot will be compelled to punch one another--as a means of self-expression, as a response to stress, because the "flight" response is no longer an option in "fight or flight," because normal hand gestures just aren't sufficient (why wave when you can punch?), and so on.

The Puncharoo Festival will start at midnight Eastern US time tonight (the midnight between July 5th and July 6th) and will continue for 24 hours, like a curse, until midnight Eastern US time tomorrow (the midnight between July 6th and July 7th). Punching ceases when the 7th of July begins on the East coast. And, as with all plots or events, this is entirely optional.]

Jun. 19th, 2011

Semi-supercilious

(no subject)

You have two choices: stay behind with carbon and hydrogen, take your lunch-bucket into the works every morning with the faceless droves who can't wait to get in out of the sunlight. Or move beyond. Silicon, boron, phosphorus--these can replace carbon, and can bond to nitrogen instead of hydrogen, move beyond life, toward the inorganic.

Here there is no frailty, no mortality--here is Strength, and the Timeless.

C--H

Si--N


Are we having fun yet?

[ooc: For the lulz :3 Have at him, if you would so like~]

Jun. 16th, 2011

Semi-supercilious

(no subject)

Hail and well met! Bring forth the troves of firestone, of blademaker, of the stones of ancestors, of ancient flint (N.B.: Clovis Points are also acceptable):



Flint


Flint (or flintstone) is a hard, sedimentary cryptocrystalline form of the mineral quartz, categorized as a variety of chert. It occurs chiefly as nodules and masses in sedimentary rocks, such as chalks and limestones. Inside the nodule, flint is usually dark gray, black, green, white, or brown in color, and often has a glassy or waxy appearance. A thin layer on the outside of the nodules is usually different in color, typically white and rough in texture. From a petrological point of view, "flint" refers specifically to the form of chert which occurs in chalk or marly limestone. Similarly, "common chert" (sometimes referred to simply as "chert") occurs in limestone.

The exact mode of formation of flint is not yet clear but it is thought that it occurs as a result of chemical changes in compressed sedimentary rock formations, during the process of diagenesis. One hypothesis is that a gelatinous material fills cavities in the sediment, such as holes bored by crustaceans or mollusks and that this becomes silicified. This theory certainly explains the complex shapes of flint nodules that are found. The source of dissolved silica in the porous media could arise from the spicules of silicious sponges. Certain types of flint, such as that from the south coast of England, contains trapped fossilized marine flora. Pieces of coral and vegetation have been found preserved like amber inside the flint. Thin slices of the stone often reveal this effect.

Puzzling giant flint formations known as paramoudra and flint circles are found around Europe but especially in Norfolk, England on the beaches at Beeston Bump and West Runton.

Flint was used for the manufacture of flint tools during the Stone Age as it splits into thin, sharp splinters called flakes or blades (depending on the shape) when struck by another hard object (such as a hammerstone made of another material). This process is referred to as knapping.

In Europe, some of the best toolmaking flint has come from Belgium (Obourg, flint mines of Spiennes), the coastal chalks of the English Channel, the Paris Basin, Thy in Jutland (flint mine at Hov), the Sennonian deposits of Rügen, Grimes Graves in England and the Jurassic deposits of the Kraków area and Krzemionki in Poland. Flint mining is attested since the Palaeolithic, but became more common since the Neolithic (Michelsberg culture, Funnelbeaker culture).

When struck against steel, a flint edge will produce sparks. The hard flint edge shaves off a particle of the steel that, heated by the friction, reacts with oxygen from the atmosphere and can ignite the proper tinder. Prior to the wide availability of steel, rocks of iron pyrites would be used along with the flint, in a similar (but more time-consuming) way. These methods are popular in woodcraft, bushcraft, and among those who wish to use traditional skills.

Striking sparks with flint and steel is not a particularly easy or convenient method to start a fire, although it is much easier than some other primitive fire-making methods such as using a bow drill. As with most skills, practice improves results.


Go forth. And return with this Stone.

[ooc: Yes, there's your Item of the Day. For more information, check here, and don't forget to go here to ask about wishes! And Happy Bloomsday, everyone!]

Apr. 3rd, 2011

I can do srs bzns

(no subject)

--ATTENTION!!--
___________________________


Current reported electrical and/or barrier disruptions in the City centered in the vicinity of the following areas:
→ Building XII
→ Building III
→ Building VI
→ Building IX


...due in part to redirection and blocking of current for barrier generators.

Secondary and back-up generators cannot function at this time due to continued redirection and blocking of current.

Restoration of service from secondary and back-up generators will require restoration of current and additional power.

Emergency TESLA Free-Radical Arc Generators will initate collection of available energy from surrounding areas upon restoration of current. Symptoms of energy collection include: fatigue, tired feeling, sleepiness, dizziness, low blood-pressure, heaviness in limbs, disorientation, and fainting. Specifically directed energy (electrical, chemical, thermic, magnetic, magical, and etc.) recommended as "seed" energy until sustained function can be determined.

Primary generators remain off-line at this time.

We apologize for the inconvenience.

Thank you for your attention.

[ooc: Following on the heels of this post, more or less. As before, the deities are not going to help with this one. However, they'll drop a few hints as to the function of secondary barrier generators. If the areas with lairs can be cleared of harpies and their metallic slime removed, the second barrier generators can start up and provide some protection until the main barriers are restored. However, these generators will power themselves by collecting any energy in the area, including life-force or physical energy from people below. Magical types and those with access to other sources of power focusing that power on these areas/generators will help the generators to start up and prevent too much drain on the citizenry as a whole. Everyone else, well, guard the living batteries, since the harpies may still be around.

Please note: this is only another proposed solution. You are more than welcome and, indeed, encouraged to pursue the on-going solutions! Because they will work if they're carried out. Don't give up yet, citizens!]

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